The Mind-Body Problem
By Dennis J. Darland
July 14, 2007
Copyright © 2007 Dennis J. Darland
[This is a work of fiction.
All the characters, organizations, and events
portrayed in this work are either
products of the author’s imagination or are
used fictitiously.]
I am writing this to tell what is happening to me. I am Denis O’Bell, Treasurer of the David Hume Society since 1979. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia I think in 1976. I have seen Dr Richard most of the time since then. I live in Lincoln, Nebraska, where I was first diagnosed. At first I took Loxitane & Cogentin. For a short while I took Haldol but was bored all the time. I worked almost all this time. I drank some of this time (just beer). I have not had alcohol since Nov 30, 1994. I started feeling bad December 18, 1995 or so. I last saw my Psychiatrist Dr Richard December 10, 1995. I saw my regular MD Seeth December 12. I started feeling worse December 18 or so. I worked till January 6 & Tried to work January 7, but could not. I am a computer programmer. Now some history: Dr Seeth noticed high liver in middle of 1994. I saw Dr Olson for it. He ran many tests. One was 24 hour urine collection. “Cu” was written on bottle. I searched for Copper and Liver on the web. I found Wilson's disease. I got scared. I went emergency room. They prescribed Levsin. I remembered having read about Wilson’s disease in _Drugs for Mental Illness_, years before. I had asked Dr Richard to test me for it. He had refused. He said my fingernails would be green if I had it.
But now, Dr Olson was testing me for it! There must be a reason – I must have it! I did not trust Dr Richard. I called and asked him to refer me to a different psychiatrist – he refused. I called Dr Seeth – he refused. I called my insurance – they refused. I was a private patient of Dr Richard. I called the local community health center. They refused to take me. What could I do? I was TRAPPED!
Dr Olson did a liver biopsy, and had told me Wilson’s test was negative. He called me at home & said just some fat in liver - no scarring, and that I should stop drinking. I did. That was November 1994. I decided I had been wrong about Dr Richard.. I continued to see him. .
In March 1995, Dr Richard had told me of a new medicine – Risperdal. My biggest problem at work was boredom. Risperdal was supposed to help with “negative” symptoms [like boredom] better than the old medicines, which helped mainly with “positive” symptoms [like voices]. Obviously “positive” and “negative” don’t mean good and bad! I started Risperdal. Part of the reason I was bored at work was they didn’t give me enough to do, that I could actually do. Sometimes they gave me stuff to do, but usually not have the resources to really do it. Sometimes I would get something reasonable, and I would get done, but not enough of this sort of thing. About this time I also got a new boss. I asked him for more work. He said no, but I quickly gained his confidence! He gave me more and more to do. The software I was working on was written in c++, and was full of bugs. For example, there were many un-terminated strings. My hours increased till about August, I was putting in 14 hour days. I was also working on personal software projects at home at night – AI mostly. I was determined to make the software work as well as I could. From August till December I had been working at work or home about 18 hours a day. I ate mostly at Nicks’s a local bar-restaurant. I just drank diet cola and usually had just a side salad. About once a week I would have a hamburger. I drank quite a bit of skim milk at home and also toast and peanut butter. I usually slept 2-3 hour a night, but would wake feeling rested. I reported all this to Dr Richard, who did not seem concerned about anything.
Now it is Jan 7, 1996. I think something is wrong with my medicine. Dr Richard is on vacation. I cannot wait. I feel dizzy. I have a hard time telling right from left driving to work, but make it OK. I have my boss take me to the Emergency room West General. They said liver normal now. It had already dropped before. Last saw Olson Aug 26, 1995. He said no improvement. But when I saw Seeth he said liver better. Also nurse told me better..
Current medicines (I take list to ER)
· Nortriptyline 25 mg 2 times/day.(Dr Richard) Was 1 time/day until recently.
· Benztropine 0.5 mg 1/day.(Dr. Richard)
· Lorazepam 1mg 1/day.(Dr. Richard)
· Risperdal 3mg 2/day. (Dr Richard)
· Hyoscamine 0.125 mg (Dr Olson) 1-2 every 4 hours as needed (take less - about 1 every 12 hours as when first prescribed in ER)
· Ziac 5/6.25 mg 1/day (Dr Seeth)
My main symptoms :
· dizziness
· backacke.
I see a lady doctor and male nurse – a little unusual but I don’t care. They do lab work. When she looks at it, she says “That’s impossible!”, about my blood sugar I thought. She says it cannot be that low. [I have since obtained my records from the hospital, my glucose – non-fasting was 110 which is O.K. the only other things out of the normal range were AST 34 (normal range 0-33) and ammonia 17 (normal range 28.2-80.4). I don’t know what this indicates.] I cannot remember what I ate, maybe a candy bar at work that morning; did I work today or was that yesterday? I am not sure. She says it is just virus going around (flu). Make an appointment Seeth in 5 days.
I try to get help again on phone on Jan 9. Dr. Richard is still on vacation - move appointment up to Jan 17. Seeth won’t change anything. I wait.
I feel very bad Jan 10.Have co-worker take to West General Emergency room again.
· Dizzy - backache.
· Dr asks me what I think is wrong.
· I think my medicine not working – I took bottles this time instead of just list – so there could be no mistake.
· I think doctor should make diagnosis.
· I see psychiatric nurse.
· She asks me if I am hearing voices – I say yes – but I can tell the difference.
· She asks me if I want to hut myself or others – I say no.
· But I say “I need help – I cannot take care of myself”
· I say, “I need to get well, so I can get back to work!”
· I hear the doctor say, “His doctor is on vacation – Now you’ve got ME in on this!”
· I hear the Nurse and Doctor arguing.
· The doctor says, “He will be OK as soon as he crashes”
· The doctor insists I tell him what is wrong with me – what test to run.
· I want brain x-ray.
· They do it.
· They say it is OK.
· They say no medical reason to admit - besides rooms all full.
· Dr says stop Nortriptyline.
· Dr gives prescription for Meclizine 25mg
· They say call police If don't leave.
I go to waiting area to call for a ride. As I reach for phone, I feel something slip in my back. I fall down lose consciousness. It seems I can remember someone dancing near me saying “FAKING”. Dizziness comes & goes. I eventually get up & call. They won't even let me make second call. I feel I haven't beet treated right. I get ride home. I cannot get prescription filled – I have no way. I still feel bad.
Now I am told go another hospital. I went to East General Jan 13, 1996. This is were Dr Richard practices – I have to go further than West General to see him, as I moved after I started seeing him. Saw Dr Richard - he was there even though on vacation supposedly! His office was also moved. I did not trust him. I asked him for his credentials. He wouldn’t show me. I asked for second opinion. He said no. He wanted to talk to me in his office. I was scared. I said I would talk to him in the waiting area – where there were other people. He said no. I spent the night there, but would not sign papers. I started refusing medicine..That evening the therapists and some of the patients were playing a game where you had to give clues to guess a \word. They were laughing wildly. I thought they were on some drug – like cocaine. I just watched TV. I wanted to play pool with another patient, but he wouldn’t let me. He tried to get a cigarette from me, but I don’t smoke. They put the other patients to bed, but I wouldn’t stop watching TV; it was giving me messages and I was fascinated by it. Finally a security man told me I couldn’t watch TV any more. I asked him if he would use violence if I wouldn’t stop. He said “Yes.” I went to bed. I lay quietly in bed talking softly all night. I thought it was being recorded. I was explaining how to fix problems with software that were messing everything up – viruses, improperly normalized databases, inefficient code, bugs. I explained that we should start all over with newly designed hardware and software – we knew how to do it much better now. The next morning I insisted on leaving. My mother came and we left. Richard signed transfer of physician..I had my parents take me home to my apartment.
Mom said, “Sure you don’t want to come home with us?” I replied - “no I feel I belong here.” I had lived in this apartment since 1984, the year I had got married. I needed to relax. The best way I could relax was to listen to music. Besides something special was happening, I wasn’t sure what exactly, but I knew I must be home tonight. “I’ll be fine” I said as I saw them out.
I went to the bedroom & took off my boots. I undressed & took a shower. I put on a comfortable pair of shorts & a David Hume T-shirt.
I needed to play the right music. Someone was trying to control me. But my free will was still working. The secret was that I had turned down the volume on the TV while listening to music. I almost never listened to TV. And I usually watch sports which was one of the few things still live on TV. This all started after the cable companies had changed. The new cable company was somehow controlling people.
I went over to the CD player. I selected the only appropriate CD. “CHRONICLES” by RUSH. I checked the disk and put the song I on wanted repeated.
“You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fears and blindness that can kill. I will choose our proper sphere - I will choose free will.” Yes Dennett was right in Elbow Room - we do - sort of - have free will. We can choose free will.
I was feeling better. I had to get rid of the medicine. I hadn’t taken any since before going to West General. I went to the bedroom, & put my boots on. I took the sack my parents had left with me - which contained the bad medicine. I went out the apartment door & down the hallway. I opened the outside door. The cold wind hit my legs. It had to be done.Besides the trash wasn’t far. I fought off the cold & threw the sack in the trash.
I went back in the apartment. The warmth felt good. I went to the computer room. The stack of David Hume Society renewal checks - still in their envelopes was still there n the floor. They could have taken them. Maybe if I threw them away they would leave me alone. I picked them up & started to the door. “NO!” -I said to myself. I went & put them I my in basket “ I could be wrong.” I thought.
I switched the stereo to digital cable radio - soft rock. Just starting was “At this moment” (Billy Vera). The song that always tore me apart. Could they think I would think it was just a coincidence? I was too smart for that! Here I had been believing that I was hearing voices that weren’t there. Now i had PROOF! I had been believing that I had schizophrenia. What a conspiracy! I could even hear their voices in the background of the song! How could I tell them I knew? Ok they see & hear everything I do. It should be easy to tell them! I remembered a song to tell them. I didn’t have it on CD. But I had it on vinyl. I’d have to play it in the computer room. I went there and started flipping through the albums. There it was,. I slipped out the record in. The spooky beat started, “Who’s watching? Tell me who’s watching? Who’s watching me? ...” (Rockwell)
The songs played on. “Taxman started. A Beatles song. I remembered something about the Beatles. That crippled guy at Nick’s had told me they were getting together. It was a mystery who was taking John’s place. Word was being spread by word of mouth. They were going to give a surprise concert on TV. WAIT! It might be on NOW! I thought of that crippled man. He had told me that twice in 1 week he had had his apartment flooded from above. By having both apartments above him forget & leave windows open & had pipes freeze. I had also had my apartment flooded twice in 1 week a little over a year ago. The first time an aquarium in the living room of the apartment above me had developed a sudden leak. The second time the hall bathroom above mine had the fresh water pipe to the toilet break. Water had flooded the hallway between the closet were I kept all my computer disks, and the computer room where my computers were kept. The David Hume Society records were on the 486. Fortunately there were tape backups in a safety deposit box. I had to use them, and then redo work I just had on paper. The crippled man had been struck by a car driven by a drunk driver. He hadn’t even been on the street. He had been on the sidewalk. He had told me there was a Beatles concert soon. I might be on NOW!
I turned on the TV. I scanned the channels. Almost all were advertising. I had a 3 in 1 remote. The cable box, not the TV selected the channel. I started changing channels rapidly. Their software couldn’t handle the frequency of interrupts I was generating. A little news story came on about how documents had just been released on the effects of nuclear testing, before the dangers were fully understood.
I heard the neighbor’s door slam. Someone said “he is ruining everything.” Then I heard people running away.
But would they have stopped with just TV? Probably all the computers in the world were infected with viruses. And there were computers in almost everything these days. I ran to the computer room I shut down the 486 & turned it off. What else did I need to disconnect? Phone lines! I hurriedly disconnected all the phone lines. I at least needed to reboot everything. I remembered that when I had the flooding, I had turned off all the power in the apartment. I could do that again! I went to the utility closet. Quickly I turned off all the circuit breakers,
I quickly went room to room. Computer room - all off. Bedroom - all off. Store room - all off. Living room - the stereo was still on! Then it was tampered with. For some reason they had used an independent power source. It was SPECIAL. What should I listen to? I’d bought all the Beatles anthology volumes. But I had hardly listened to #3. [The following is BEST listened to with The Beatles Anthology 3] I had been to busy working. I went to the computer room. The anthology 3 was on top of the stereo. My stereo could handle up to 5 CD’s but I took out all the disks in it out & put in the 2 anthology 3 disks. I put the player on CONTINUE - ALL DISKS. It was important to play the songs in the correct order. Soft gentle rolling music came from the stereo. Then “I need a fix cause I’m going down..” The Beatles were now live through to my stereo. It was a specially modified stereo.. And John was live! He had never died. We were both born October 9.They are warning me I’d have side effects of the medicine wearing out. John says Oh Shit wrong cord. Yes they’re definitely live. There had been a conspiracy. The other Beatles had believed John was dead as well. He had gone underground for safety! “Helter Skelter ....” played now. The Charles Manson song. “Mean Mr. Mustard” He was my twin. He looked just like me. He acted crazy though. People thought I had split personality. They thought I did those crazy things. He was a plant to make me look bad. He even used my name -.Denis O’Bell I had seen him in the phone book as long ago as 1975 in the Lincoln phone book. AND I had a sister named Shirley! “Polythene Pam” The Beatles were trying to figure out who they were communicating with. I couldn’t tell them. THEY were listening also. The Beatles thought I was a woman. Those DAMNED female hormones the Dr. had given me as antipsychotics. I had to figure out how to communicate with the Beatles without talking. I started singing along. I would slow or speed the Tempo. There was the sound of recognition from the Beatles. They knew what I was doing. I sang along It was my protection. As long as the Beatles could hear me I was safe. “Glass Onion” They were searching for me I realized. The Beatles did not know who or where they were talking to! There was a quick exchange of chatter at the end of the song. They had figured out how to narrow possibilities down. This would take awhile. I had to keep singing along - varying the tempo. I went on controlling the tempo! Piggies - they were warning me to look out for the police! I went on controlling the tempo. Honey Pie - Paul was flying across the Atlantic. He was coming here to see me! Don’t pass me by. They were telling to wait for Paul. Eric Clapton had written this while the Beatles had been singing. There were telling me to wait a couple hours for Paul. Oh - la -di They were telling me life would be normal - once this was over! There was some discussion - they had me located. Good Night - they were telling me I could sleep now. My part was done! I hadn’t slept for how long? 3 or 4 days - couldn’t remember. Cry baby cry. They were telling me it was ok to cry. I broke into tears. IT WAS OVER. Blackbird - I was finally free - I had waited for my whole life for this moment. Sexy Sadie. I had really showed them. I broke the rules. I made a fool of everyone. While my guitar gently weeps -- This song came through with no meaning - I think they had switched to tape. The Beatles needed time to write more material.
I switched off the stereo The room went silent. I needed time to think. WAIT! WE still didn’t know who THEY WERE! What should I play? I KNEW. I looked for the CD. I found MAIN OFFENDER by Keith Richards. Everyone knew he was a heroin addict. I played this album every night while I slept. If this music could comfort a heroin addict it should help me - who just likes a little beer. I had gone 13 months now without a beer. And I had never drunk much else or used illegal drugs. I thought back to my trips to the hospital - trying to get help. Maybe there was a clue there. Wicked as it seems! I listened but no clues. I decided to try: This is the Moody Blues. Question!
Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war?
'Cos when we stop and look around us
There is nothing that we need
In a world of persecution that is burning in its greed
Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
Because the truth is hard to swallow
That's what the war of love is for
It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way that you mean it
When you tell me what will be
And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you
I'm looking for someone to change my life
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me through
Between the silence of the mountains
And the crashing of the sea
There lies a land I once lived in
And she's waiting there for me
But in the grey of the morning
My mind becomes confused
Between the dead and the sleeping
And the road that I must choose
I'm looking for someone to change my life
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me to
The land that I once knew
To learn as we grow old
The secrets of our soul
It's not the way that you say it when you do those things to me
It's more the way you really mean it when you tell me what will be
Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war
'Cos when we stop and look around us
There is nothing that we need
In a world of persecution that is burning in its greed
Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
Moody Blues – Dawning is the Day
(Justin Hayward)
Rise, let us see you
Dawning is the day
Miss, misty meadow
You will find your way
Wake up in the morning to yourself and leave this crazy life behind you
Listen, we're trying to find you
Flow to the sea
You know where to go
Still we are are free
No one tells the wind which way to blow
Wake up in the morning to yourself
Open your eyes and start to be you
Listen, we think we can see you
Baby, there's no price upon your head
Sing it, shout it
Now the angry words have all been said
Do it, don't doubt it
So rise, let us see you
Dawning is the day
Miss, misty meadow
You will find your way
Wake up in the morning to yourself, open your head and look around you
Listen, we think we have found you
I switched to Beatles – Anthology 2 – Random
===================================================================
Beatles - You Know My Name (Look Up The Number) (extended version)
===================================================================
(John Lennon, Paul McCartney)
Lead Vocals: John Lennon and Paul McCartney
You know my name
Look up the number
You know my name
Look up the number
You you know you know my name
You you know you know my name
You know my name
Look up the number
You know my name
Look up the number
OK, you know my name
Look up the number
You know my name
Look up the number
You you know you know my name
You you know you know my name
You know my name
Look up the number
You know my name
Look up the number
You you know you know my name
You you know you know my name
You know my name
Look up the number
You know my name
Look up the number
You you know you know my name
You you know you know my name
You you know you know my name
Good evening and welcome to Slaggers
Featuring Denis O'Bell
Come on Ringo, here we go, let's hear it for Denis
Good evening
You know my name
Look look look up my number
You know my name
That's right, look up my number
You you know you know my name
You you know you know my name
You know my name
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Look up the number
You know my name
That's right, look up the number
Oh you know you know you know my name
You know you know you know my name
Huh huh huh huh
You know my name
Ba ba ba pum
Look up the number
You know my name
Look up the number
You-a you know you know my name
Baby you-a you know you know my name
You know you know my name
You know you know my name
Go on Denis, let's hear it for Denis O'Bell
My name
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name
Look up the number
You know my name
Look up the number
You know my name
You know my number
Look up the name
You know my number
Look up look up the name
You know my number
You know my name
You know my number
You know my name you know my number
What's up with you?
You know my name
That's right?
Yeah
I continued playing music in this manner. I was afraid to eat or drink anything, but sometimes got messages it would be OK, and did eat a little. Paul never showed up.
The Police came Jan. 16 1996. (according to papers I saw later I don't remember myself) Took me to West General Psych Emergency room & then 2 south. Parents wee having me committed. They gave me a copy of the papers. I read them over and over. The handwriting would seem to change before my eyes. Also I was in a room by myself. I had pink sheets instead of blue. I thought maybe they thought I was a woman. But I could communicate with the Beatles in my mind. We were making up music together. There are four basic personality types, I thought, each of the Beatles is a different type, so that is why they are so popular – they relate to everyone. Then I realized I was a disembodied brain. I was part of an experiment to find out how the mind and body were connected. I was jamming mentally with the Beatles and they were using this to map the mind-body relationships. This went on a while.
That faded away. I went back to studying the papers. I tried to contact lawyers. No one would take my case. The morning of my hearing, the public defender talked to me right before going in. I had figured out they had not given me the minimum time to prepare – one day had been a holiday. I told the defender I wanted to insist on getting the minimum time. He agreed. Then at the hearing, it seemed they were going to rule in my favor. The defender asked me to waive my right to the minimum time, I did. The Gavel fell, “COMMITTED!”
Medications switched to:
· Haldol 10mg 4x/day.
· Cogentin 2 mg 2x/day.
· Ziac same as before.
I was released Jan 27 1996. I saw Dr Seeth Feb 7 1996. He stopped ziac. He gave me naprelan 500 - 10 samples for strained back. I am now seeing Dr Notten of the Community Mental Health Center. I returned to work Feb 17, 1996. (Even though had temporary disability approved for one more week, I thought it important to get back to work) My boss was gone out of town. I saw human resources; they gave me reprimand for extended absence even though admittedly due to illness. My boss had left instructions about what to do. I remember he asked me to come up with list of all source code on project & then to go through it studying all the loops to make sure they finished correctly [I wasn’t even sure if this was possible, because of some stuff I had studied in Computer Science and said so (the halting problem)]. I worked till about 4pm & had list of all source in current code. I discussed the assignment the next day with my boss - I pointed out there were a quarter of a million lines of code to examine. Also it was not planned that this fix was going into the release being worked on which, I thought, had the urgency. Also this bug had not even been tested for in the code that I was working on and that I had fixed a lot of things what could have had side effects. We ended up agreeing I would try to find a tool to try to locate such errors to the extent possible. I searched the Internet & such a tool. It was ordered Feb 18, 1996 & expected delivered Feb 21, 1996. Feb 19, 1996 I felt somewhat dizzy again in the morning. I called in, in the morning & said I would try to come in later in the day. I felt no better & called about noon to say I wouldn't be in today. I also informed them I had doctor appointment the next morning on Feb 20. After the doctor appointment (Seeth) Feb 20, I still felt lightheaded. I called in. They transferred me to my boss who asked me to come in "just for 5 minutes". I was terminated.. I tried to point out all the extra hours I had worked in '95 & that even though I wasn't 100% yet I was more valuable than someone off the street. It did no good.
The public defender had told my parents, that the county would pay the hospitalization, since had been committed. But I received a bill. When I called they said it had not gone in as a commit.
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